I Love You!

I was looking into the mirror today and found myself grinning at the image I saw, and then I impulsively said "I Love You!" Surprised that I said this to me, I took a moment, then said even more surely "Yep, I love you Leslie Trosper!"

There is a chance that by modern standards there wasn't a lot to love....or maybe too much to love, but that didn't matter. I wasn't looking at the large, round face with the eyebrows too far apart, and the hair too thin. My love wasn't declared because of super white teeth, or a perfect complexion. It was said to the person others seem to see, that God sees. I finally caught a glimpse of that person.

Have to admit I have been stalking her for a while. Trying to catch the me that others said was there. Every once in a while I would get a glimpse as she rounded the corner, but it was always me staring back in the mirror.

Several years ago I asked someone why people saw me differently than I saw myself, and was told; "Others see you as you have the potential of becoming." "Oooooh" I replied not understanding at all. But I tried to accept compliments without denial or apologies. I would simply tell myself that I had something to live into. If they said I was wise, then I had to learn to be wise. If I was praised for my writing, then I would need to learn to write more and better.

The other day I was invited to be in a Toastmasters Club. I thought that might be really good for the person in me who wants to write and speak, and maybe I might even meet a few people who would help me move toward publishing. My friend gushed to the invitor, "Leslie could teach that class!" Thinking to myself "No way, Jose. Are you kidding me?" I replied out loud; "Thank you for the compliment", and gave myself a challenge to live into what she was already declaring to be true.

Another thing is that I just returned from a trip to California. My family and many friends made me feel so special. My friends shower me with compliments and fighting for time. They tell me they miss me, that they need me to bolster courage, give them hope, and have fun. My family teases the heck out of me. They tell me I have T-rex arms, smile funny, embarrass them, and spend entirely too much time with strangers, but I know, KNOW how much love they tease with. So with compliments or teasing I feel very unique, and loved. Also, the apostles speaking at conference were telling me what the Lord believes too. It's even convincing me...even if just for the moment.

So this morning when I looked in that mirror, I caught that Leslie that everyone else seems to know for just a moment....and she is pretty awesome. I love you Leslie Trosper.

Think to keep this feeling going for awhile I will avoid all mirrors and all pictures. I will choose to see the me that God and my dear ones see.

It's all about LOVE!

Isn't it all about LOVE? We sometimes make life so confusing and overwhelming, but I think it is all pretty simple. Just love.

God spells it out pretty clearly for us when he tells us that the first great commandment is " love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. " He also said "and the second is like unto it, thou shalt Love thy neighbour as thyself". We are told that these are the two greatest commandments and everything else hangs on them.

Every morning I open my front door and breathe in the day the Lord has made. It makes it so easy for me to feel His love and to give him my love and gratitude. I start my morning prayers with thankfulness for what is right in front of me, "the air I breathe, the varieties of trees and flowers, the birds". What is amazing is that when I say I am thankful for the birds, they seem to multiply and sing even more beautifully, the grass is greener, the sky bluer. Sometimes I am amazed that this is "the lone and dreary world". It makes me wonder at the beauty the Celestial world will hold for us. When I look at my granddaughter's sweet faces I feel His love so innocently, so completely. How blessed I am. It is apparent the Lord does love me and I feel his love enveloping me. This love makes me want to open my heart more fully so His love can fill every corner. I actually experience taking down the fences, even the barbed wire from around my heart when I open my heart to him.

I always understood and found it very easy to love my neighbor, but tended to forget the other part of that commandment "as you love yourself". How many of us have a difficult time loving ourselves? Sometimes we don't love ourselves because we get stuck in the world's image of who we should be. We forget that we were created by Him, in His image, that makes us unique, special, important, and a Child of God. We cannot mock that. We must look beneath the covering and see the jewel inside. If we aren't afraid of rejection because we see ourselves as God sees us, then it is so much easier to reach out of ourselves to give others love.

One thing that was harder for me was to allow others to love me. I have learned to do that. There are so many people who care for me and want to help me through my rough patches that it has really helped me to open my heart for their love to enter in. My children are so ready to give of what they have for me. It has been difficult to want them to sacrifice for me, yet I have felt their willingness, so I have learned to be more humble in accepting their gifts of love. Friends have opened their hearts and homes to me, literally, and I feel so blessed by their love. All challenges, all trials can be overcome with love.

I sat in the living room of good friends the other day with a group of people who were going to the temple together. Unable to make it to the temple that night because of a fire that made the roads impassable, we ended up back at this home. There was a group of around 20. Our wonderful Bishop stood and shared a word of love, and a blessing upon all of us. Another person asked a question of him and all of us shared. I felt consumed by the love in the room. This is what it's all about.

Love is not a noun it is a verb. It requires action predicated by a feeling. It can compound so easily...when one gives love it is a rule of nature that it will be increased and you WILL get it back. If you open your heart to the Lord, He will help you remove the fences, walls, and barbed wire prickles of pain so that you are able to receive and give more love.

So it is simple--

Love God with everything you have....receive His love with all your heart.
Love yourself....have more of yourself to give.
Love your neighbor....they will love you to the greatest capacity that you can imagine.

Simple, not overwhelming. If we love God then we will have no problem tithing, sacrificing time and energy for our callings, reading His word, recognizing and being grateful for His gifts, etc.

If we love ourselves then we save wasted energy feeling sorry for ourselves. We will understand that we have the power within us to overcome trials, to make choices on how we will deal with the challenges. We find it important to live the Word of Wisdom, and take care of our bodies physical, emotional and spiritual health and then we are more able to reach out to others with love.

If we love our neighbor then it is easy to fufill our stewardships to our family, in the community, and in our church callings, especially visiting and home teaching. We will forgive easily those who harm us, and we will not judge others. How could we be unforgiving and judgemental if we truly feel that spirit of love? We certainly don't want to get overwhelmed living our lives, or the gospel, we just need to love and everything else will fall into place.

LOVE

Chatting with a friend last night we were discussing how the Savior gave us so many examples in his short mission on earth. It was really only three years that he sojourned among the people teaching them about love primarily. I know that there are so many facets and commandments that we feel we need to adhere to, and sometimes that is overwhelming. But, it is my personal belief that He meant it when he said "The greatest of these is Love".

In Matthew 22:35-38 we see that Christ was asked by the Pharisees which commandment was greater. He told them that first we need to love our Heavenly Father and then we need to love our neighbors as ourselves. Then to really put the exclamation on it He told us that everything else hangs on this principle of love. "On these two commandments hang all the laws and the prophets."

So do we need to feel overwhelmed? Do we need to feel frustrated with everything we are asked to do? I don't think so. I think if we love....our Heavenly Father, our neighbor, our enemy, and ourselves then the rest will come along rather naturally.

Okay, so maybe that isn't as easy as it sounds. Perhaps there is a problem with loving ourselves. If we can't love ourselves, then it follows that it may be harder to love our neighbor. And if we can't love our neighbor then maybe we judge our neighbor, and Christ definitely let us know that was not in keeping with His teachings.

Back to His examples. We wonder about how to treat those who we think aren't living within the correct principles. Maybe someone at church smells of tobacco...do we judge? Absolutely not! Just think of Christ's example with the prostitute who was going to be stoned for adultery in John 8. Didn't He chastise those who were so willing to judge? Didn't He remind them (and us) that they too sin, and therefore have no right to judge. Who will the Lord judge more harshly when we meet with Him to view our Book of Life? I believe it will be those that judged, more than those that smoked, drank. Just imagine if our sins smelled, what would lying smell like? Gossiping? Hypocracy? Imagine the stench in our church meetings if our sins all had an odor. How simple can it be? We are commanded to love, and if we love then we won't judge.

Also if we love, we will reach out to those who don't fit into our little world. In the parable of the good Samaritan, Christ told of the Jew who was beaten, battered, and left for dead. Those in his own circles passed Him by rather than get involved. It was his enemy, a Samaritan, who gave of his time and his money to help the injured man. So how do we apply this to our world today? Maybe to the homosexual, the athiest, the homeless woman on the corner of the freeway? It is too easy to turn our heads, to say "if I give them money they will misuse it". Christ said "Even as ye have done it unto the least of these, my brethren, ye have done it unto me". Would we have walked by Christ and made the judgement against Him that He would have misused our offering? Maybe it is hard to offer money. Maybe instead we can offer our time, our ear, our patience, our love. Everyone has a story, let them share it. How about offering a bottle of water, a granola bar, a Bible or Book of Mormon with the right purpose behind it?

I think sometimes we find ourselves choosing a position sitting on right (conservative), or the left (liberal). Let's think about the homosexual for example. First of all he/she is a child of God, created by Him. He/she is our neighbor too. Have you walked in his shoes, do you really know how he feels, or the torture in his soul? Would Christ have chosen the most liberal point of view saying "Do what you want. If it feels good try it. There is nothing wrong with it." I don't think so. Would He have chosen the most conservative position of "Ignore them. They are sinners. They are defiling and evil." No, I don't think He would be found in that place either. I believe He would have done exactly what He did with the prostitute, He would say "Go and sin no more." and He would tell us "Love your neighbor, and do not judge him." Sometimes I wonder who will be judged most harshly at Jesus knee, the person who was unable to fight against a strong trial, or those of us who choose to turn our backs to our neighbor, turn our love from him and force him to find love elsewhere.

I find it funny sometimes that the person I judge, are those that judge. It's still wrong, it's judging. I don't have that right, and I chastise myself when I catch myself doing it. For instance, when I lived in Virginia there was a very nice older gentleman that lived down the block from us. He was extremely neighborly and greeted us warmly whenever he saw us. I was walking down to the mailbox one day and he was in the front yard so I asked him, "Do you know what time the mail man comes?" His reply literally shocked my very being, "Can't count on anything anymore since they started hiring (derogatory "n word" for those with a black skin) and women." Oh my goodness I turned inside out and found myself very disappointed in that man. But all the way back down the block I counseled myself harshly "Leslie, he was judging others and that's wrong, but it's just as wrong for you to judge him. You don't know how he was raised here in the south, and you don't know what his life experiences are. So Leslie Trosper you have no right to judge him." Only our Heavenly Father, and the Savior know every detail of the road we are on. Only they know what we have been taught by our parents, culture, challenges and experiences. That is why only they can judge. It is very simple, all we have to do is love.

On this valentine day I am going to commit myself to reaching out to others as Christ would, with total unconditional love. And to achieve this goal I recognize I need to start with loving myself. I need to know that Jesus knows my path too, and He will judge me with love as well. Thank goodness!

Grieving

Saturday is Valentines Day. Day of love. Also next week our divorce is final. I thought I had my emotions all tucked nicely away by now, but I think the blend of those two events are causing an eruption of feelings. It doesn't feel like a volcanic eruption...not that noticeable or powerful. It's more like ebb and flow. Just out of the blue I am teary eyed and my thoughts wander to memories or questioning "why?". If I had a penny for the number of times I asked that little tormenting question I would be wealthy. "Why?" Can that word alone wipe away hope, joy, peace? If I don't learn to look beyond "why?" I won't find any of those things.

I worry about everyone else....my sons who thought their parents, while not perfect, had a perfectly good marriage. How would they deal with this blow to their solid foundation? They always thought we were kind of like Ward and June Cleaver....with a little dorkiness thrown in for flavor. What about my daughters-in-law, who thought they were marrying into a solid and eternal family? It's kind of like they got advertisement for a really good deal, but they didn't read the fine print before they signed on. My grandchildren...how cheated are they? Especially Hailey and Mady who have some history of doing things with Gramma and Grampa. They loved staying the night, going to the park and other adventures, doing crafts...do they deserve this broken alliance?

I feel for my Mom, who taught me through her marriage to my father for 36 years and to Herb for the past 17 years what importance and value marriage commitments have. She has been so supportive from the very beginninng of the slide into divorce. She has managed to continue loving me AND Bud. Then there are my siblings, nephews and nieces. As the oldest I like to think that I have a certain responsibility to set a proper example of how to live a righteous and happy life. Have I let them down?

Our friends are concerned for us. They wonder how it is possible that Bud and Les can split. They watched us holding hands, smooching, leaning on each other. I worry that they will identify and be fearful about their own good marriages.

Most of all I worry about Bud. How can I just stop? A divorce can be final after six months, but feelings, habits, and love take a little longer to subside. I truly have put my husband first for 42 years so now I continue to wonder what is best for him.

My kids are amazing. They have wounded emotions too, I'm sure, but somehow they all seem to have it in perspective. When I allow myself to feel my feelings and let them show, they are able to put salve on my open wounds by reminding me that I had a life of love and memories, and that was real. I need that reassurance because sometimes I wonder how long I was in this marriage by myself. Was it ever what I thought it was? How long was I in total denial? Each one of my sons have told me with certainty that it wasn't imagined. He did love me as devotedly as I thought, and he was that loving husband and father who put himself last and all of us first. It wasn't a role he played, it was real.

Trying to hang onto that notion and to live today and look forward to the future I have words on my wall in the family room that say:

Cherish yesterday

Live today

Dream tomorrow

So luckily the feelings I have had preceeding "cupid" day and "Divorce Final" day are tears on the eyelids, soft torture of the heart instead of the catapulting lava flow of torment and ripped edges.

This month I posted on my voice mail and I believe in the message from Alfred Lord Tennyson that says:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

One of my friends at church was talking to me about grief. There are steps you have to go through to truly heal. But she told me that it isn't like stair steps, instead it is a spiral upwards, so sometimes you revisit the same steps several times. I am grieving. My husband didn't die. He is still around to bless the lives of his children, grandchildren, and even me. But I am mourning the death of a a relationship, a marriage, and to me that is a pretty powerful loss. But, I am strong, and I have a great support system, so I will make it.

I plan to live through this next six days, feel the pain, the memories, the loss. Then on the 21st I will recognize myself as a divorced woman and I will turn the page to that new chapter. As a matter of fact there is a multi-stake singles activity in Redlands that I plan on attending that very day. I will put on my red shoes, my best smile, my dazzling personality and rock the room.