Pondering

I am not a person who suffers many downs emotionally.  When I do have them however, I find they cause others as big an upheaval as they do me.

Remembering a time we were on the Bliss Family website and there was a picture posted of me with several family members. I was eight years old,  eight years old, and the thread about that picture was all about "I wonder what was wrong with Leslie because she isn't smiling and Leslie is always smiling."   When I was about 35 I remember someone else telling me something similar,  "Leslie, you are always smiling, I don't remember ever seeing you without a smile."  At our family reunion one year there wasn't a doubt when they awarded me with the "Pollyanna" award.  My sister, Lyn, tells me that she thinks of me when singing the song "Scatter Sunshine" because she believes the song fits me.    I am so grateful for all of these comments and I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for blessing me with a happy spirit.  But, guess what??!!  Some days you don't feel like smiling!!

Yep, that's true!! We know for sure when I was eight years old it happened, and there have been many more times than that I guarantee.  Social media along with trying to not keep things bottled up have let people in on my little secret more easily. I'm a little more open with my bumps and bruises along the way, especially if I think they will help someone else.  Sometimes I've wondered if I have said too much, and I have actually been chastised for it in some cases.  I am not a person,  however, that does things on impulse...ever.  So even if I am making a mistake it is a well thought out mistake not just "open mouth insert foot" sort of mistake.

That was just a little sidetrack, but for all you people out there who know positive people who always have a smile on their faces, don't let it rock your world if they need a break, want some space, or actually are not happy.  They will survive and so will you.

My world has tipped upside down since 1995.  I sent a newsletter out at Christmas that said "Our life is a little routine".  Please don't ever say that.  Our life was not boring it just hadn't changed a lot since the last Christmas letter.  Right after it was in the mail I think Heavenly Father said  "We  will just change it up a little for Leslie and her family."  Wow, for the last 19 years it has been anything but routine, we all the sudden found ourselves on a roller coaster ride.  I'm going to list just a few things that happened in the past 19 years... good and bad, and I'm not saying which is which, but you can probably figure it out:  Seven moves in three states, seven grandchildren, our three son's  marriages, eight jobs for me, Bud's loss of his lifetime career, depression, new job,  psychologists, marriage counselors, psychiatrists, loss of identity, bankruptcy, new homes, lowered hours and pay, house foreclosure, divorce, heart attacks, stroke, Lupus, parathyroidectomy, hysterectomy, scare of ovarian cancer, fibromyalgia, heart valve issues, degenerative back disease,  Large cell nueroendocrine carcinoma, dying, death, extended family members with addictions, death of a niece, guilt for not being capable for living up to vows at the altar, an illness creating undependability and guilt, dying, care giving, death, laying to rest, watching children and grandchildren grieve, mother going through care  giving and losing her second spouse, and the list could go on and on.  I don't pretend in any way that this list is in any way more horrendous than any one else's. We all could enumerate the things we go through and the list would be as long or longer.  My point is, there are those things in the list that bring a smile to my face every single day.....my kids and grand kids most especially.  I am so blessed to have the testimonies of God and the Savior to help me understand the "why's" of the good and the bad, the bitter and the sweet.  But sometimes I have to back up and take a moment to breathe in BAD as well as the GOOD.

My friend and I have talked about how quickly we plant beautiful flowers on our pile of poop.  But sometimes you have to just stop and smell the poop.  Another friend and I talked about not just putting a band-aid on the wound.  It requires taking some time to  clean the wound out, find just what is really needed to heal it.

Funny I used this analogy because I just had some skin cancer removed from my leg in January before I went up to my Mom's to help her care for my step dad.  Even though I put polysporin and a band aid on it , it wasn't healing. I sent a picture of it to the Dermatologist who told me to stop the neosporin and put another medicine on it.  This helped, but soon i could tell the band aid was causing it to get infected so I stopped putting a band aid on it.  It was in the back of my leg so I didn't have to look at it so I chose next to ignore it. That didn't work either and at the end of my stay in SD I went back to the Dr. and he gave me some additional advise.  I won't say how invested I was in following that direction but I went back to my mom's in February after my step father passed with the sore still there and still infected. When I got home three weeks later I went back to the Dr. and he determined that the wound was still not healing correctly and gave me an antibiotic.  Three months have passed since the original surgery and I will tell you how happy I was to find that the scab finally fell off the other day, and the wound is looking much better.

This story ties into the way I usually treat my negative life events. Try to ignore it, when it doesn't go away go to the physician (a friend, Dr. or the Lord) for some advise, use the advise for awhile and when things don't seem to be working, ignore it again, wait for a miracle without putting the effort in, without using the advise given, or without even looking at the problem seriously.  I'm not stupid it isn't that I would just purposely ignore good advise, I am just too busy applying band aids to other people's wounds to heal mine.

This week I wasn't happy.  I had a cold, my back was out, my house was a mess, I had some blood tests that  were troubling, I started some new medications, I even felt a little angry (I NEVER feel anger, well very rarely).  This anger wasn't directed at anyone or even myself, it was just kind of a surface thing.  I had an MRI the other day, actually a couple which put me in that tube for almost two hours and when I came out all my feelings were exacerbated hugely, I felt like I was going to flip into the hinterlands (not Holland, but into nowhere).  I wanted to escape, but I didn't know where I wanted to escape to.  I know I'm an open person, I tell all, there are no secrets about me, but not at the moment I am going through something.  Digging a hole into my soul is where I go.  I don't pull up my sheets over my head, I don't find a friend who is also suffering because "misery loves company", I just bury myself in me.

Two things I have learned is that I don't get in funk very often, and I always know I will come out of it.  I know there are others that suffer from major depression and I honor them for their courage, because it is really tough stuff if this is your life day in and day out.  My friends, family, and acquaintances seem to tell I'm in a funk very quickly; if I see them it's because I don't have that characteristic smile on my face, if they don't see me then it is because they don't see me, or hear from me.  They worry.  I thank them for worrying, but they needn't because I am doing what I probably should be doing much more often.  I'm examining the wound, discussing it with the master physician, writing about it, applying the medicine and band-aids suggested, going back to Him for advanced treatment, and then setting priorities, goals, and "righteous desires of the heart" that will allow the wounds to heal properly and for the bitter to become sweet once again.

This wound wasn't anyone's fault, and it isn't my desire to leave anyone out of my life.  My desire is just to allow me to stretch myself the way the Savior and my Heavenly Father want me to.  I can't serve anyone if I'm not okay.

I am so grateful especially this Easter week that I can say not only is Jesus Christ my Savior, He also takes time to bless my life because He loves ME!  Happy Easter!!

What would I have done?

This morning before church I watched a show on BYU Television about a young resistance group in Nazi Germany.  It has totally affected me.  It keeps me wondering "What would I have done if I had been living in Hamburg, Germany in 1941?"  "What would many of us done?"  "Why didn't more people do more?"  "What did God, faith, and the church have to do with the choices made?  What did propaganda have to do with it?  What did fear, for themselves,  for their family, for the congregation have to do with choices made?

It is 14 hours after watching the show.  I went to church and heard my old Stake President, Allen Christensen speak.  I was very emotional when we sang the closing song "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go Dear Lord".  Of course I shared minutely with friends.  I enjoyed a picnic at the park, came home and took a nap.  When I woke up I still thought about it.  After writing in my journal I still found many questions. I did a little research,and now I'm writing this blog.  Thank you BYU TV for pricking my conscious with your programming.

It ihmy consious pricked  when it comes to Nazisa had my consious pricked  when it comes to Na

AN ELF'S CHRISTMAS STORY by Leslie Trosper

Rinks Rotterdam hurried to get a special place at Mrs. Claus knee for a Christmas story.  It was a tradition that when Santa went off for his annual run around the globe that the Elf's were read a special story by Mrs. Claus.  Rinks was thinking this moment was never going to come.  He was one of the youngest elves and this was his first year on the front lines and he was tired.  Really tired!  He couldn't imagine how some of the elves were able to remain so calm because there was so much to do to get Santa on his way.    Sometimes Rinks felt like he was just running in circles. 

He looked around the room just checking to see if any of the other elves looked as tired as he felt.  Up in front of the room was Glaspar, he was the head elf.  In spite of all his duties he looked alert, and in charge.  Standing just behind Mrs. Claus shoulder so he could respond to her every desire, he was keeping an eye on all the elves as well.  Even though Glaspar was always ready, he was definitely more relaxed than he had been for 364 days.  He was in charge of everything while each of the others only had one job they were responsible for.  Domo made sure all of the board games were in perfect condition and had all their parts accounted for.  Razzle put litter, tags and ribbon on all the outgoing packages, and then Peppermint Penny was in charge of making sure that everyone had egg nog, cocoa, and Christmas cookies for their breaks.

Rinks was proud to be a part of all the work and pleased that all the work was fun.  It was a special day when Santa himself asked him to join the team to prepare the "Whose been naughty, and whose been nice Christmas list."  That was a very important responsibility, Rinks knew he couldn't mess that up. What would happen if little Susie Jones who is delightful and always tries to do what Mommy and Daddy want, would receive the coal that goes in Patty Smith's stocking?  What if Patty Smith who pulls her sisters braids, and tells her mom "no!" received Susie Jones doll with the curly hair.  Oh my goodness, that just wouldn't do.

But now it's all over.  Santa is gone with all the toys for the good little girls and boys.  Rinks punched his pillow to get it comfy, and leans just slightly on Mrs. Claus knee. What story will it be this year?

Will the elves play a starring role, or will it be about the reindeer.  Why should it be?  Why should it be?  The reindeers take it easy all year just eating, and getting fat.  Oh yah, they practice a few take-off's and landing, but do they deserve ALL the stories written about them?  Rinks didn't think so.


Rinks thoughts were interrupted because Glaspar was helping Mrs. Claus with the biggest book he had ever seen.  It's huge!  "This is going to be a great story", Rinks thought.  He wasn't the only one antsy with anticipation;  all the elves were squirming trying to see pictures,

 "And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.  And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.  And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem to be taxed with Mary, his espoused wife, being great with child.  And so it was that, while they were the there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.  And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn."

                                                  
Mrs. Claus said the words so soft and yet they were clearly heard by Rinks and all the other elves.  They knew this story they were hearing on this Christmas night was the most important story of all.  They all leaned in just a little closer so they could hear about this little baby and not miss one little word.

Rinks noticed a little tear in Mrs. Clause eye and rolling down her cheek. Glaspar handed her a tissue as he wiped his own eye with his sleeve.  Mrs. Claus sniffed and continued with the story.

"and there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night, And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all the people'.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.  And suddenly there was with the angels a multitude of the heavnly hosts praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, andon earth peace, good will toward men'."

Rinks was sitting high on his pillow now.  His little elf ears were perked up and he wanted to sing with joy, just like the angels.  He poked at Domo next to him and said "The angels came, the angels came!"  Domo put one finger up to his mouth and said, "Shhhhh".  He didn't want to miss any of this story. 

"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another.  Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.  Ad they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.  And when they had seen it, they made known abroad which was told them concerning this child."

Rinks thought:  "Of course they are going to tell everyone, the Shepherds just saw the baby Jesus.  Everyone needs to know!  I wish I was a shepherd.  I wish I saw Baby Jesus and Mary, and Joseph, I would tell everyone!"

Mrs. Clause continued with the amazing story, but Rinks wasn't really listening any more.  Rinks wasn't even there at Mrs. Claus' knee with all the other elves; Rinks was in a land far away, in a time far away.  His little pointed Elf ears were tucked under his shepherds turban, and he was hinging on tightly to his shepherds crook with his little elfin hands.  It was dark, but one star shone brightly over the fields where he was watching his sheep.
                                              

     
 It was special, Rinks knew it was special.  Tripping over his cloak with his turned up elf shoes he made his way with the other shepherds to the little stable behid the inn.  The star stopped and the light filled the little manger, and there on the hay was a beautiful little baby boy.  He had a smile brighter than any child, and his eyes, his eyes seemed so old, so wise.  They looked right through Rink's own eyes, into his heart.  Rinks felt the love from this little baboy go all through him.  He had never felt such joy.  He knew who this baby was, and Rinks knew how important this little boy was to the world.  He had to tell the world,
                         

                             
He HAD to tell the world.



As Rinks ran away from the little manger scene with the little baby tucked in the hay, he tripped from his robe, and dropped his little shepherd crook and he found himself once again at the knee of Mrs. Clause as she finished her story.

"And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.  But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart, and the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them".  

Rinks thought about his trip far, far away on Judea's plains, about the love he felt, and about the story he had to share.

When Santa returned Rinks was the first one at his sleigh because he had so much to tell Santa.  He wanted to tell him that he also went on a long trip that night.  Santa was touched by the story Rinks told him, and about the love Rinks felt from the little Christ child.

                                                                          
The next day it was back to work as usual.  Everyone had to get busy for next years Christmas.  Rinks loved working for Santa and Mrs. Claus.  He felt true joy in his work with the other elves.  Even though the toys they made were great, the sweets they ate were tasty, and the stories of Santa and the reindeer were fun, Rinks knew that he had heard, and lived on Christmas Eve, the most important story ever told.  He also knew he felt the most pure love that could ever be felt.  Rinks, "the youngest elf", didn't say "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night",  Rinks, 'the shepherd boy", said "Glory to God in the highest and on earth Peace, Good Will to men."