PARENTHOOD 101--PART 2--LOVE THEM!

Yesterday I posted on Parenting 101--Trosper Style.  Again I want to remind you that no one can be the parent you can be to YOUR child.  Sometimes, we think we have to listen to other people, and that is okay.  It is okay to listen to other opinions and consider them, but don't follow someone else's advise "willy nilly" because they say it worked for them.  Your parenting style, your children, and your circumstances are different from anyone else's.  Your children are your stewardship and no one else can do the best job raising them.

This, however, is my soapbox so I get to share what worked, and didn't work in the Trosper house. No parent is perfect all the time, so these suggestions go with the disclaimer that it may not work for you just because it worked for Bud and I, and it didn't always work for us either. We found if we focused on these things then at least we are parenting with a purpose, not just flying by the seat of our pants.  Intentional  (Proactive) parenting always seems to work better than Emotional (Reactive) parenting.  When we respond to situations in a reactive way we can say or do something we regret, or that can damage our children.  So it's better to be prepared.  To remind you our Seven Elements for parenting are to :

LOVE THEM

TEACH THEM

PLAY WITH THEM

RESPECT THEM

DISCIPLINE THEM

SACRIFICE FOR THEM

LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY

Today we will start with the First and most important element, LOVE THEM.  I thank God for his amazing design that allows us 9 months to prepare for each child.  While the baby is forming in the mommy's belly in such a well planned organized process, we as mother's get to change too.  We have the chance to prepare our bodies, spirits, and minds for the upcoming birth, and for many years of motherhood to follow.  Father's watch and play there part in the process preparing themselves as well.  We are bonding with this "wee one" during this period carrying them with us wherever we go.  We have to connect don't we?  If the baby is a "surprise" then the 9 months can give us time to go from that surprise, to acceptance, and adoration.  Even birth mother's choosing to give their babies up for adoption bond with the child and desire to make the best choices for a whole life.  Adoptive parents usually have sooooo much time to plan and prepare for the little one as they pray a baby into their lives.  Oh we certainly go through a lot of fear as we are preparing as well.  "Will I be a good mother?"  "Will he be a good father?"  "What if we break him?"  "How will we teach him?"  "What will we name her?"  "Will she be teased about her name?"  We have fear about the actual birth process too, but we will realize for the first time that "what is bought with coin of pain is dearly kept." 

I remember that I was expecting my first baby that I kept a little journal about all those feelings.  Somehow, we as mothers, don't need that journal because we seem to remember every detail about what we thought and felt.  We were trying to decide on names and I have to admit we focused on girls names because we were convinced we would probably have a girl.  In my family we had 5 girls and 2 boys and the girls outnumbered the boys in my extended families as well.  In Bud's family the girls were way more plentiful than the boys so we had just sort of accepted we would have a girl.  When the Dr. told me after a C-section that we had a boy I actually said, "Are you sure?"  He assured me that he definitely could verify that Marque was a boy.  I couldn't quite figure out why Bud wanted to name his baby after him when he always hated his name, Raymond Marquist Trosper.  He also didn't want to call him Raymond, he wanted to call him Mark after his father.    So we considered Mark Raymond, but there is a little egotism in naming your son a Jr.  so that's what we did.  

Jimmy was always going to be James after his grandfather's middle name.  His middle name was going to be Gavin after the family name of my patriarchal grandmother, McGavin.  Somehow in gratitude to my doctor we ended up changing it to James David.  Two very plain names for not plain Jimmy.  

We had a funny story about Scott's naming too.  My mother liked the name Scott and when she mentioned it we loved it too.  He was going to be Scott Timothy.  I had a dream in the hospital the night before having him c-section.  When I had the baby (in my dream) it was a boy.  See we were getting very used to the ideas of boys by this time.  Anyway in my dream they announced he was a boy and the "drug dealer" that was controlling my happy feelings said.  "What are you going to name him?"  I replied "Scott Timothy"  He said, "Scott Timothy Trosper, too many T's".  So the next morning before he was born Bud and I changed it to Scott Andrew.  

With all these plannings and imaginings, we are so primed and ready to LOVE the baby as it is born.  No one ever can imagine just how much they love that baby though.  When looking into the newborn's eyes, feeling their skin, counting their toes, smelling their smell, we are hooked.  Our hearts seem to stretch way out of our chests to encompass this little spirit straight from heaven.  The love grows beyond the baby, the family, the room, it seems to stretch out to all human kind because LOVE for a child is a gift that can't be explained.  I have heard it said that it isn't that dramatic for the daddy's, but I don't believe it.  All the daddies in my family have been swept into love and tears immediately by their newborn.  

So this one is easy, right?  

Luckily we have people to turn to for help.  New grandparents are usually very willing to lend a hand, neighbors, community members, church friends, but mainly God.  God is in partnership with you in raising these children.  He understands.  He has children of His own.  He has been frustrated with us at times, He has seen us not reach our potential, He keeps telling us over and over again.   Yep, he understands.  He mostly understands and tells us that LOVE is most important because He loves us.  

Even when that first child is laid on your chest, or your arms you can't imagine how much more your love will grow.  There will be times you may wonder if you "like" your child, but you will never not LOVE him.  

This might be a good time to tell you, or remind you.  These are not steps, they are elements of raising children that you will pass through again and again.  They will not go in order either.  It would be nice if we could get one down, and then the next.  

This is by far the easiest element though.  You did all the thinking and planning 9 months ago.  Now just go and LOVE THEM. 

Parenthood 101--Trosper Style

A few weeks ago I volunteered to speak at Toastmaster's the next day to replace someone who wasn't able to be there for their speech.  I just had a couple of hours to prepare so I had to choose something I felt comfortable to talk about without much research and preparation.  So I decided to speak about Parenthood.  Now I'm sure I could find really wise advise if I did research.  After all Parenthood is one of the most difficult, and important subjects.  It is also one with many varying opinions. So, I decided to just consider it from my point of view and my own experiences.  

Parenthood 101.  "Wouldn't it be wonderful", we all say, "if each baby came with a manual?"  Why yes it would!  Especially if it was particular to that specific child.  Heaven knows one manual wouldn't work for all children.  I found that out raising my three boys.  Each one was incredibly unique.  There are a few general points to start from but then we have to individualize raising each child.  What works for one kid certainly won't work for the next.  That would just be too easy.  

I am not an expert on Parenting.  However, I do have some expertise because I was a child once.  My parents were great parents.   I didn't start admiring them after I became an adult, I thought they were pretty amazing even when I was a teen.  .  There were things I wanted to follow that my folks did, and things I wanted to change.  Added to the things I learned  as a child being parented, there were even more bounteous lessons in the 47 years I have been a parent to my three son's.  Again, some good, and some bad choices taught me what to do the next time I needed to use those skills.  There was no option.  I couldn't fail, and then give up.  There was no abdicating on Parenthood, so I needed to learn from challenges, successes, and failures.  Furthermore, my kids are now Parents and I can continue learning from their styles of Parenting.  I personally think they are doing a great job of Intentional Parenting their sweet adorable children.....my grandchildren.  So you see I do have a bit of a soapbox I can stand on here.  

Back to Toastmasters and my speech on Parenting.  Time was an issue.  It always is.  I have so much more to say on any given subject than the clock allows.  Silly me to think I could cover Parenting in 6-8 minutes.  It just couldn't happen and didn't.  I need to learn to break huge subjects into much smaller bites.  I will try to do the same with these blogs.  

I feel there are seven key elements to Parenting.  These are....

.....love them

.....teach them

.....play with them

.....respect them

......discipline them

......sacrifice for them

......love them, unconditionally

My intent is to write a blog on each of these seven elements for the next seven days.  It will be a challenge for me.  Maybe you can gain something as well.  Maybe it will  be a springboard to a conversation between you and your spouse for your kids!  

One thing I want to clarify right now is that even though I have expertise on Parenting, and there are certainly other experts on Parenting that you can research.  YOU, however, are the most important person raising your children.  YOU and the other parent you parented with, have the clearest cut expertise for your child.  There will be times in your life that you will think anyone can do a better job, but that is not true.  

Combine your efforts with your Heavenly Father and your stewardship over your children will flourish.  When you forget to work with your spouse (or the other parent) and your Heavenly Father you may flounder.  Also, you will have many challenges along the way.  As stated earlier the challenges will differ with each child.  We also need to keep up to date with possible chasms that our kids can fall into in each generation.  

Those of us that willingly choose Parenthood as our main career don't get to get off the ride before it is completed.  So buckle up and enjoy this "white knuckler ride".  

Work in the Insurance Industry??

When Scotty started 1st grade I was invited by Steve Bjelland to come to work for him part time at his Farmers Insurance Agency.  This is when computer technology came to Farmers.  He wanted and needed someone to work with the computer doing marketing.  Having never considered doing insurance and not knowing anything about it or computers I was a hard sell for Steve.

When I was a teenager my first few jobs were in restaurants and then retail.At Fullerton College I took Psychology and Sociology classes.  After my marriage I changed to a shorter Associate Degree course of Medical Assisting.  While going to college I started working at Wire Basket Redwood which was in the Los Angeles area.  I was a secretary (now known as Administrative Assistant) for Bob Morgan who was the Vice President of the company and my friend,. Pam's father. I remember driving my little red Corvair to work every day.  It was a stick shift and I got a little tired of the traffic and then attending classes still at Fullerton.   Eventually, after leaving college and Wire Basket Redwood I got a job at a company in Fullerton (closer to home) called Exer-Genie.  I had decided that I was too empathetic a person to be around sick, hurting and crying children or adults.  I worked for them until 1969 just before Marque was born.  I also had worked for my mom and dad in their restaurants as a server, manager, and handled payroll.  

Bud and I both wanted me to be a stay at home Mom, but we needed a second income of some sort so I started doing day care just a few months after Marque was born.  All my children came to me by referral so I never was licensed, but I was pretty organized.  I loved doing day care, but I especially loved being able to be with my own children.  Bud used to talk about my going to work after Scott was in school, but I definitely worked before that, just not outside the home.  From 1970 to 1982 I cared for many children.  At one point I had 14 under 5 with 8 in diapers.  It wasn't just banking hours either.  I would take kids at night and on weekends as well.  

My goal had always been to go back to college for that sociology degree after the kids were in school.  However when I was 24 I started having back pain and I wasn't sure that I could handle sitting in college all day.  Having this offer from Steve was an interesting one, and I hadn't made up my mind what I wanted to do for sure.  I remember I had lots of excuses that should have sent Steve quickly looking elsewhere.  "I don't know the first thing about computers, or insurance and I'm really fine never knowing about those things."  " I have this back issue, I don't know if I can handle being at a desk."  " I haven't been in the work force for over 12 years."  "My mother in law may need me to care for her and I would have to change my schedule to do that."  "My dad is terminally ill and he and my mom are one of my first priorities."  "I don't want to just be there when my kids are sick, or break an arm or something.  I want to be their room mother, team mom/  I want to go on field trips and Halloween parades." He accepted and had an answer for every single question or concern. He was willing to take me on in spite of all my liabilities.  That's when I went into the insurance business.