My Relationship with my Mother

Today I was laying in my bed and realized my mom would be home from exercising in a few minutes.  I immediately felt guilty, lazy, and 10 years old.  Jumping out of bed I quickly did a number of things that would surely let Mom know that I wasn't just "sitting or laying around".  I was thinking about how quickly my own guilt made me jump to action.

Why Am I So Blue?

I encourage people to write when they are depressed, grieving, or having emotional issues they don't understand.  So I encouraged myself to do this today.  I am blue.  Is there really a reason?  No.  Probably not.  I'm not down in the dumps, severely depressed, but definitely feeling a little less than.

So, I don't know what good it will do to write because I don't really know what it's all about.  I think I will explore a bit.  I stopped taking my anti-depressant a few weeks ago.  I ran out and didn't get any right away.  After I refilled my prescription I didn't start taking it right away because I wasn't sure that it was to my benefit.  I was prescribed this medicine many years ago to help with my fibromyalgia and lupus, not for depression.  Last year I tried getting off it and had a major lupus flare lasting several weeks, so I decided to get back on it since it was apparently doing more good than I had realized.  But, this time I was discovering that the pain I had in my muscles was definitely more significant.  I always have knots all over my body, but now they were massive.  I can only imagine the toxins in my body to create them.  I also was feeling each joint in my body much more distinctly.  The good news was that I wasn't feeling the complete lethargy that I have been battling lately.  Perhaps the anti-depressant was creating much of the total fatigue.  I find I would much rather deal with pain than with chronic and overwhelming fatigue.  That is the reason I haven't started taking that Lexapro again yet.  Maybe my "blues" could be attributed to that too.

Or maybe it's still unresolved grief.  The other day I had another of my "moving" dreams.  I have had those dreams for years.  Ever since Bud and I divorced.  They aren't every night, just every once in awhile.  Probably an average of once every one or two months.  They are always changing in part.  One time the kids will be little, sometimes they are grown.  Once in a while the kids aren't even in the dream at all.  The house we are moving from isn't one we actually lived in, but the dream does include our Chino neighbors.  We always have a time limit on staying in our house.  It is always imperative that we move quickly, for some reason.  Sometimes it is to move to a new unplanned foreign place.  Once in awhile it is because we either are losing our house or have sold it.  Sometimes it is even because the house is falling apart due to earth moving underneath it. In these dreams over the years Bud has become more and more aggressive in his actions, and I have become more and more frustrated.  In the beginning he just procrastinated packing and renting a truck to move things.  I used lots of polite encouragement to move it along and failing miserably in the dream.  Then Bud's actions toward helping moved toward passive aggressive and apathetic in nature.  Mine matched in a level of frustration and angst.  The dream this week had Bud downright impossible to move and very angry.  Nothing like the real Bud's character.  I was then yelling and screaming to create action.  Nothing like my real character.  In the dream I recognize it's a reoccurring dream and question what is it supposed to mean.  When I wake I recognize that I want to remember details and do remember more than one usually recalls of a dream.  The feeling of the dream affects the entire day and sometimes I have to recognize that an incident or feeling is from the dream not reality.  So maybe that's the reason my shoulders are down, tears are at the edges of my eyes, and I just feel uneasy.

Then maybe it's because I just spent the evening last night and the morning with Scott, Cynthia, Grace, Jane, Lucas, Marque, Sarah, Leah, and Dax and I'm missing that family that I'm not around more often.  I feel sad for the relationship I don't have with the kids.  I think Grace feels connected to me, but Lucas and Jane do not and that does sadden me, though I don't take it personally.  Or try not to.  I understand, logically, that it's because they don't see me enough, not that I'm not lovable. However, we can't always help the feelings that sneak in around the logic.  Scotty gave me a couple extra large hugs but it makes me realize how far we have drifted apart.  Again logic gives me plenty to help me understand, but I actually grieve those old connections we had. I actually feel more comfortable with Cynthia than I do him.  Cynthia's mom was with them.  I think we had the best connection we ever had.  It felt genuine on both sides I think.  I was so grateful for that.  But,  maybe still a little jealous to know she was going on this trip with them and they never considered including me.  I'm glad she was going, and I certainly wouldn't want to impinge on their trip together just still a little sad not to have been invited, or at least considered, or even told that she was going with them.  Also, Marque and Sarah didn't invite me.  I know that is a matter of space, time, and alot of other reasons but since the other grandma was going I just felt a little left out.   I am very grateful for Donna (Samantha's mom), Cheryl (Cynthia's mom) and Christine (Sarah's mom).  We share grandchildren so they are very important to me too.  It's great the the grandkids love their other Grandma's but I think I wouldn't be normal if I didn't get jealous of Cheryl because she does get to see the kids more.  Perhaps Christine and Donna have the same feelings.  I am sure they are happy I grandparent their grandchildren, but also feel some jealousy for time spent with them that they don't have as frequently.  Maybe none of this has anything to do with my blueness either.   Just not sure.

I am so excited about Jim and Samantha's upcoming endowments in the temple and the opportunity to be there with them. It is just a blessing to know how much they are enjoying their new involvement in the church.  It ties a few more ends up when we think of the Trosper Family continuing into the eternities.  There are so many things to be grateful for and of course I am really good at counting my blessings and usually can turn things around pretty quickly when I am down.  Maybe I am supposed to be in this moment a little longer to distinguish what the pain comes from, or maybe I am supposed to go read my scriptures, communicate with friends, have a conversation with the Lord and get over it. Hmmmmm.....I guess I will just go and ponder. I'm sure I will be back to normal tomorrow if not sooner.

It does do good to write it out.  Just to let the thoughts wander, and spend some one on one time with Leslie.  She is a pretty good listener.

Questions to Ponder

Sometimes I want to write, just to practice, but I don’t know what I should write about.  So I googled “Questions to Ponder”.  There are obviously many people in the world that have the same dilemma.  I found a few questions that will give me the opportunity to write, but also are probably are some good ones that I ponder, and leave the answers to my kids and grandkids.  So here they are.

1. What are the things that stand between you and complete happiness?  To be honest I would have to say my health. I had back issues from the time I was 24-44 when I had back surgery finally.  But I have had blood pressure, acid reflux, fibromyalgia, heart, kidney issues, lupus and chronic fatigue syndrome.  These kept me from always being the mother I wanted to be, and now keep me from being the grandmother I want to be.  When I have energy and health I AM completely happy!
2. What will people say at your funeral?  This is an interesting question and one that I actually do consider from time to time.  I try to live into what I want my legacy to be.  But of course, I fail miserably sometimes.   My mission statement pretty much says what I would like to be said about me.  “I want to be the me God created me to be.  I will face the world with integrity, unconditional love, a sense of humor and gratitude. My greatest desire is to be a light of faith to my family and friends.  My life will be bountiful as I experience growth, nurture others and recognize God’s gifts and glory, and live each moment to the fullest.
3. Standing at the gates of heaven, and God asks you “Why should I let you in?” What do you reply? I want to be able to say, “Heavenly Father, I hope you would let me in because I love you, and because you love me.  You have watched me struggle.  Sometimes I have failed and sometimes I have met and overcome my challenges.  I do hope, however, you can see my desire to be righteous, to live the way I should.  I hope you know that I loved my fellow man and tried to serve my family and friends.  Will you let me in because I want to help you scatter sunshine, and distribute rainbows of joy and sing in a Heavenly chorus.  Dear Lord, please let me in so I can continue to grow and learn.”
4. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything ok?  I actually did lose so much and I did run into arms that loved and supported me.  My most agonizing loss was my marriage.  After that I lost money and my home and my health.  I will say the first person I ran to was my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Then he taught me that I didn’t have to feel alone because He was always there and so were my children.   Shortly after this all happened I had a dream that I have thought back on many times since.  There was a new addition going on to my home.  My three sons were up above the garage being in charge.  They called me up the ladder to review the options and help me make decisions to see where this addition was going. Down below were my Daughters-in-love running a garage sale to help me remove the things I no longer needed, and choose what I wanted to keep.  When I started going down the ladder my boys supported it from above and my three daughters-in-love came over to support the bottom of the ladder.  This dream was pretty clear to me.  The new addition was the new chapter in my life. My sons were helping me but letting me choose what to add to my life.  The girls at the garage sale were helping me go over the things that had been a part of my life.  Which things should I keep, and which should I leave behind.  The ladder was my life.  My whole family was there to support me.  It is a very real answer to what I feel about moving forward after losing everything.  I am so blessed. 
5. Does this person know how much they mean to you? When was the last time you told them?  Oh yes I think they all know how much they mean to me.  I tell them all the time how lucky I am.  My sons are my sons and I know it’s not a given that sons love their mothers, but in spite of how goofy I am they love me.  I hope they know that I am here for anything they need that I have the capability of giving.  My Daughters-in-Love are exceptional.  They are each unique and have special talents and gifts.  I’m grateful that we have a good relationship. 
6. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds?  Friends, Countrymen, and world neighbors.  I want to speak of you about LOVE.  So many wars have been fought over religious and moral differences and it makes no sense.  Even if we may all believe in a different God, each God is all about LOVE.  Please elect to go to your God and beg for an answer that will help you do as He asks us to do “Love one another”.  In the name of religion we cannot turn away from God and hate our fellow man for being born into a different country, culture, religion, dynamics and different God.  We must LOVE each other for our similarities and embrace the differences.  It would be so easy if we could just get that message.  Part of loving is not judging.  Making war may be necessary, but it shouldn’t be necessary.  It is each individuals choice and we can create a movement of LOVE if we each individually choose it.  Because Karma is real.  What is put out into the world is what we get back. 

These questions were very thought provoking.  I’m sure I will continue to contemplate them.  I look forward to finding more to answer at another time.  That last question, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could send a message that was heard to the entire world?