Pollyanna?

My whole life people have called me a "Pollyanna". I have always taken that as a compliment because I thought Hayley Mills in the Disney movie of the same name was a positive little girl who changed the world she lived in by her "glad game". I do relate to her attitude that you can always find something good in every situation and every person. It makes life a happier place doesn't it? And I am a happy person, so I guess it works. Or does it?

When I was at a Bliss Family Reunion a few years ago they gave awards for different things, and when they were giving the award for the "Pollyanna" of the family I was surprised that most of my aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters shouted my name in unison. The other day my cousin told me I was a real genuine "Pollyanna". Also, one time there was a long conversation on our family website about a picture that was posted when I was 8 years old, noting that I wasn't smiling. They couldn't imagine what was wrong with me that day because apparently many thought that I ALWAYS smile. Well, obviously I don't ALWAYS smile, but I concur that I do usually find the bright side of life, want to fix things (and people) if they aren't working (or happy). I am a grateful person who can find beauty around me, even if my current situation isn't beautiful. So I always enjoy "spurts" of joy, but is this attitude always beneficial? I think I am learning that it isn't.

I was blessed with a forgiving heart, I don't know how to hold a grudge, and I have a large capacity to love unconditionally. I am not patting myself on the back because it is not something I worked hard to attain. It seems either I was just born with it, or it was conditioned into my life at a very young age. Trying to live as closely as I can to Christ's example is important to me, so I have made efforts there, falling short of course, but always trying. It has been brought to my attention by many people that I love very much that perhaps too much of a good thing is "too much of a good thing".

I just googled "Pollyanna" and this are the meanings it listed.
–noun
1.
an excessively or blindly optimistic person.
–adjective
2.
(often lowercase) Also, Pol·ly·an·na·ish. unreasonably or illogically optimistic

Uh-oh! That doesn't sound so good; "blindly optimistic", "unreasonably optimistic"? So "Pollyanna" is probably akin to "Queen of Denial"? As I look at life as it is for me I am recently learning that I really do fall into this description. My Doctors have always told me that my health is affected by unresolved issues and "stuffed feelings". As my last blog indicated, I have had several friends that have seen something in my face, attitude, and shoulders that they thought indicated that I wasn't okay even though I claimed I was. Well, I was okay. Playing my little "glad game" of positivity so well I can fool myself I guess.

Family members and friends have been amazed that Bud and I have retained such a close relationship since our divorce. I was always happily married and in spite of Bud's recent change in his life, views, and desire for marriage...I was still the same person. I tried to be angry because I thought it might make it easier for me, but it just didn't stay....not an emotion I carry around. Bud doesn't mind being in my life as a handyman and a friend. I have always been concerned with his health, needs, emotions, financial situation and relationship with the kids and grandkids....kind of sounds like marriage doesn't it? Guess my brain, heart or some part of me didn't realize I was divorced. Problem is, it is hard for me to be around him. The line blurs and I find myself wanting to stick my hand in his, my arm through his, and even to curl up on his shoulder. Not healthy for either of us. Actually, I thought it was okay to get along, to be friends, to see the best in him and our relationship, but I find it does affect my health. Frequently after I see him, or we have a family get together I have had an increase of pain from my fibromyalgia, more tiredness, and even ended up in the hospital. Problem is, being a "Pollyanna" I don't even tie those things together. I'm just are "glad" I DIDN't have a heart attack after all. Or "glad" that it is a beautiful day today instead of raining causing the fibromyalgia to be worse.

I do believe my "Pollyanna" attitude has a tendency to make me co-dependent. As the "Queen of Denial" I can see that maybe I missed signs that would have told me things in my marriage weren't as good as I believed it to be. There have been other circumstances in my life, and those close to me, that probably would have had a different result if I had actually "seen" them rather than putting my "rose colored" optimistic spin on things. I actually believe that it may just be another way of putting my "head in the sand".

So with the help of my friends and family I am going to be making some changes in my life. I am going to put me at the top of my list once in awhile. After all the Lord said "Thou shalt love thy neighbor, as thyself." How do I change? Do I want to become burdened with the woes of the world, or even my own life? No way! Should I try to feel my feelings, react to them, and then see the brighter side of life? Probably. That way I can protect myself, keep from sending others mixed messages, and resolve issues before they exacerbate. So I am determined to stay positive, find joy in all things, but to take the words "blindly", "unreasonably", and "illogically" out of my optimistic attitude.