What is This?

A few weeks ago I felt extremely overwhelmed. Money was tight because my income which was already tight was decreased by over $700 a month, so I needed to think about getting a job, but what kind of job? Should I find one that is part time, full time, salary based, commission. What did I want to do with the rest of my life. I didn't like the idea of having to start a new career at the age I should be retiring, but I gave myself 6 months and then had planned on getting busy anyway....now I was pushed into it. That was just a bit of the problem, to go along with that I was told by my Dr. that I needed to have a gastric bypass and yet, as stated in an earlier post, I had just lost 30 lbs. So it would seem to be an easy answer, but there are other things involved. If I start working then it would be awhile before I would be comfortable taking the time off. I will be 64 in October (OMG that is a yucky thought) and I can only have the surgery until I am 65, then there will be no more options. The Dr. seems to think that I need this to jump over all my health issues.

Oh well, what this blog is about is how I pulled myself out of the tornado of decisions, thoughts, doldrums and into a really awesome place. How? I don't know really what made that little difference but I do know I was actively involved in creating my own happiness. The greatest advise I could ever give anyone who is frustrated, depressed, despondent in any way is to do absolutely the opposite of what you feel like doing. I truly WANTED to stay in bed, if out of bed I wanted to escape into the computer doing mindless things. I didn't do those things. I set my alarm, which I never usually do, I got out of bed early in the morning and dragged myself through each simple task and ticked it off as an accomplishment. It was hard! There was nothing I wanted more than to stay in that bed, cover my head and go back to sleep until all my decisions were made and magically all was right with the world. Never had success with that plan at all. Forward motion is required to move out of despondency and indecision. I wanted to watch soap operas but would have settled for infomercials. Instead I turned on happy, bright music. Rather than playing "spider solitaire" I looked up quotes on attitude shifts, decision making, and joy. I was too overwhelmed to make a decision of Job or Surgery so I moved forward in both continuing to pray. Sidenote: Prayer is harder for me when I am depressed or overwhelmed because my prayers are based on gratitude...if I am in bed then I can't be grateful for what I am not seeing. So I force myself out into the world to see the skies, trees, smiles on people's faces, my grandaughters twinkling humor then it is easier to pray. In my prayers I learn to ASK, which I am not good at doing. "Lord, bless me with a good day. Help me to see the answers I seek. Give me angels here on earth who will guide me in my decisions."

I updated my resume. You HAVE to be positive in a resume. Every positive characteristic, valuable skill, and passion is listed. That helped me see myself in that light as well and lifted my spirits. After posting the resume on Monster I received lots of offers...that was a real lifter as well. On the surgery side I posted an e-mail to my Dr. for more information on why he felt so strongly that I should have the surgery, and I researched the pros and cons of gastric bypass surgery. I not only continued to exercise, I increased my exercise time. My impulse was not to do it at all because if I was going to have the surgery why bother, but that would have been defeating to me. Remember, do the opposite of what you FEEL like doing.

I started having interviews which was really empowering to me. I get an amazing "high" from seeing people size me up visually when they first meet me, then I proceed to "wow" them. I love how they are stiff, impersonal, going through the motions at the beginning of an interview, and at the end they are relaxed, leaning forward into our conversation, even asking MY advise at times on certain aspects of their own situations. That is the Lord blessing me for my efforts I believe. When I do my share, He is right there to fill in the GAP. I couldn't do it without Him. That is also building steam and esteem because with that knowledge and success I can now go forward and conquer not only the decisions that need to be made, but the WORLD (haha).

Yesterday as I got up way earlier than planned I discovered that now I wasn't forcing myself to take each step I was bouncing and bounding. I stopped and took a look into the mirror and said "Leslie Trosper, you are cute." I found that I didn't really MAKE a decision about the surgery it just kind of made itself. I have not lost any more weight in the past couple weeks, but I feel healthier so I am going to proceed slowly rather than with the quick loss that surgery would provide. I respect people that make that decision as well. It isn't the easy way out, as some people think. It takes alot of change...I just think I want to enjoy each tiny little change as it comes. I have actually faced the reality that I may not see alot of weight change, but I have proven to myself and others that I can be healthy, happy, and me at any weight. I will continue doing my best by eating properly and exercising and the Lord will fill in that GAP for me in the way that HE sees best.

As far as the job goes, I am having a blast in the interview process, but I will be making some other decisions shortly. The process has helped me to see myself at my finest. I KNOW someone will be lucky to get me, and I am looking forward to a new chapter. For the first time, ever, I know I can be successful financially while inspiring others to be successful as well.

Some of the other things that have specifically helped me were: 1) getting on the ATV when Marque encouraged me...made me feel so young, so alive! 2) Vickie and I working through and encouraging each other to keep on moving when our instinct was to just commiserate with each other. 3) Being around Sarah and Leah who brighten my world by just being in it! 4) Talking to my other kids and having them support and encourage me whatever my decisions 5) Living in, being mindful of, and thanking God for each moment and each tiny little success, viz., "Wow, I got out of bed! Good job Leslie, thank you God for pushing me to do what I asked you to push me to do." "This shower is awesome, shampooing my hair makes me feel so alive. Thank you God for water, soap, shower curtains, my little house, for Marque who gives it to me cheaply, my blue and white shower curtain."

Now, I am walking on clouds...I don't know how it happened or what it is, but I know EXACTLY how it happened and EXACTLY what it is.