KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Kids Say the Darndest Things

March 28, 2017

11^th Speech

My 3 year old grandson, Dax, is quite a character.  He keeps me laughing.  Depending on what day you are talking to him his name could be Daxie, Daxilicious, Poopypants.com, or Captain Underpants. 

One day he was supposed to say the prayer at church.  This was his first time in public so of course Mom and Dad coached him about being reverent, folding his arms, and being grateful. He walked up to the podium so slowly and quietly then he pulled the microphone down to his mouth and said “Poopypants.com!”  The crowd of munchkins roared with laughter and approval.  Mom not so much.  She stepped up and removed him as quickly as possible and said the prayer.  Of course this little guy with his new found power and gift for creating laughter continued “Poopypants.com, poopypants.com”.  Don’t kids say the darndest things?

Toastmaster, Ladies, Gentlemen, and friends:

How many of you have heard of Art Linkletter?  He had a program back in the 50’s and 60’s called House Party.  A small portion of that was devoted to talking to children.  He didn’t have to do much to draw the funniest comments from them because kids are just so willing to share. 

How many of you have children or grandchildren?  Then you too could tell us stories of your kids being silly, making you laugh, or embarrassing you!  Too bad, my turn!

My oldest son (Dax’s dad) had a habit when he was young of taking off all his clothes and running into the front yard.  Of course we put protective knobs on the door but he figured out how to use a rope, tie, or purse handle to pull on it so he could bypass the knob, and out he would go.  He was under a year old and we just couldn’t seem to think faster than him to prevent an exhibition. 

My youngest son Scott had a gift for laughter.  Seriously, it was amazing.  He would start laughing about something and he could not stop and it would be so contagious.  Soon everyone was laughing.  That was great, right?  Not so much in church, or a Dr’s office or movie theater, or playing games with a serious game player like his great grandma.  She would tap her card on the table and just wait for us all to stop laughing. 

My friend is a kindergarten teacher.  She teaches her students not to say bad words but also not to tattle.  Children are always coming up and saying “Johnny said the “S” word, or Susie said the “B” word”.  She says to them.  It’s not nice to say bad words but you don’t have to tell either.  One day a young boy came up and said “Billy just said the “Q” word.”  Q word?  She was curious so she said “Can you whisper it in my ear?”  The little boy came very close and whispered “Quap”.

Sometimes if we listen to our kids they give us teaching moments.  My 3  year old and my 2 year old   were fussing in the back set and I had been a patient mom but I leaned back and swatted my older son and said “You don’t hit your brother, ever!”  He folded his arms, pouting and thinking.  In a few moments he said “If we aren’t supposed to hit why did you hit me?”  Some might think that was insolent, but I learned from it and realized it wouldn’t make any sense to a little boy at all. So I changed my parenting after that. 

One time I was frustrated with something that Marque (Mark then) was doing.  I took him by the shoulders and tried to have him focus.  After my explanation I could tell he wasn't listening.  I asked him to repeat what I had said.  He sighed, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Mommy, I can't.  My battery ran down."

Another son, Jimmy, wanted me to read a book to him.  I was busy paying bills and asked him to wait.  “I don’t have the time right now, in a little while.  Okay?”  He went away and came back a little later and asked again and got the same reply.  After what must have seemed forever to him he came and asked again.  “Do you have time NOW mommy?”  “No I’m sorry, in just a while”.  He said “You don’t have any time and I have lots of time so I will give you some of my time so you can read me a story.”   Yah.

Two and three year old kids are super funny.  They can communicate now and they have been stacking up questions and wisdom for a long time.  Jimmy was 2 when he was hanging around me while I was paying bills.  Something that he wouldn't do later in his life.  He was playing with the calculator.

Jimmy:  Mommy what is this?

Mommy:  It helps mommy add and subtract.  It's a calculator.

Jimmy:  No mom, It's a calcu"now".

I was one of those Mom’s in the 70’s that didn’t want her children to have toy guns, but somehow they came into our lives.  My son was playing cowboys and shooting the bad guys.  I told him not to point even a toy gun at anyone.  I said Real Cowboys use their gun to shoot in the air to herd the cows because they don’t want to lose them.  So if you want to be a real cowboy do that okay?  Daddy came home in a little while and asked what he was doing? “I’m making the cows go through the right exit!”

Sometimes the funniest comments come from misunderstandings or kids just hearing things differently than it should be.  Like the little boy who told his parents that they sang the song at church about a crosseyed bear.   Oh, this cross I bear. 

Or the little girl who wanted to sing the song about the Silver dishes?  Anyone? (The Golden Plates)  Jimmy was about 6 when he was taking Gymnastics.  Little 2 year old Scotty loved watching him doing cartwheels and walking on the beam.  He said, "Mommy, when can I take Scottnastics?"  [Jimnastics.  Yah!]  Marque was born with a small birthmark on his cheek and foot.  It was only later that Marque thought it was called a birth.  How would he know different when we would always say things like "Show Grandma your birth Mark."  

Jimmy once was rebellious about having chores.  His friends weren't required to help around their house so why does he have to.  He was about 10 I believe.  I explained that as members of a family we all have to help each other.  But, I took his name and chores off the chart.  Pretty soon he wanted to go to soccer practice but I was too busy doing his chores to take him.  Another time he was wanting  Dad to play catch with him, but Dad was too busy doing the dishes that used to be Jimmy's chore.  Soon I noticed that his name was back on the chore chart with some chores listed beneath,  

One time we were getting home very late with 3 tired boys in the back seat.  My husband said, “Okay boys when we get home I want everyone to go in and hit the sack right away”.  Our 2 year old son walked right in quickly obeying his dad got into the closet grabbed a paper bag and started hitting it.  He had no idea why, but he was a very obedient son.

One day I was showing Dax all the popcorn popping on the trees and he said “Gramma you know that’s not popcorn.  It’s flowers.  That’s just silly to think it’s popcorn cuz popcorn doesn’t grow on trees.”  Yah that may be silly but the day before he was telling his dad that the Princesses went to the money store to buy some money to get a cowboy balloon for his dragon.”  Yah, that’s not silly. 

How many of you have adopted some of their words to add to the English language.  We now watch Tarcunes instead of cartoons.  We love susketti.  No, you don’t want a burrito, you want a debrito.  Two cars are the “same as” but “fifferent”.  Dinosaurs have all disappeared into the hot wabba just ah cuz. 

Yep, Kids say the Darndest Things and it never gets old.  Nowadays we don’t have Art Linkletter or Bill Cosby, but the internet has created instant stars from so many cute kids.  We do have Steve Harvey and Ellen Degeneres bringing those munchkins right to our device wherever we are.  It’s a world of laughter!

It's fun to hear the silly things that I said when I was a wee one too.  A few that I remember hearing about were going on a roller coaster at a very young age, three I think.  As we were coming down the hill I was shouting "I'm gonna shwow up.  I'm gonna shwow up!"  I gave my dolls interesting names Belonk and Golonda were a couple.  Also, when I was two and a half my baby sister Lynette was born.  My Grandma Johnson was there to help.  She had worked and worked for me to sing "If I Knew You Were Coming I'd have baked a Cake".  I had it down perfect.  But when mommy and baby came home I just rushed out saying "I baked a cake, I baked a cake."a

I'm grateful to remember these things.  Some were written down, some just remembered.  But I wish I had excellent recall because my kids had me laughing all the time, and now my grandkids do.  But I just don't remember them all.  Enough to be reminded that "Kids Say the Darndest Things!"