My Life as a Fluffy Girl

When I was born I was the cutest little thing.  What made me so special?  My little round face with my plump little cheeks.  So kissable.  I had that little pug nose and those sleepy eyes.  My neck was almost disappearing with rolls of fat it just cried out for zerberts.  I responded with lots of laughter.  My  little arms and little legs were chunky and short.  My aunt tried to eat me one day because I was so cute.  Do you know what?  I still have that round face, plump cheeks, a pug nose and sleepy eyes.  I have no neck and yes it is still has those rolls.  My arms and legs are still very short and very chunky, well FAT actually.  So my problem is that I never grew out of that baby look.  As a matter of fact one of my friends, Sherri Johnston, posted a little picture of me that I totally identify with.  A little baby girl dressed stylishly and flaunting some swag.  She said that it reminded her of me.  I loved it.

Yep totally me!

So, I was a chunky, cute, loved little baby and now I am a 69 year old woman who now accepts and loves who I am.  But what about the time between?  Did I always accept myself?  Did others accept me?  What were some of my experiences and feelings as a "fluffy" girl?  I think my blog today will deal a bit with what it's like to be a plus size person growing up and living in a world where skinny is in.

I was not heavy through my life.  When I go back and look at pictures of me as a child and young girl I don't think I looked overweight at all.  However I always remember feeling like a little fat girl.  My build was muscular and muscles are heavy.  So I am sure that those who picked me up as a child thought I was definitely heavier than most little ones. I find that to be true with some of my grandchildren.  There are a couple of them that are built just like I was with those chunky thighs and heavier arms.  They wear the same size as the other kids their age. They don't look overweight in any way, but if you lift them they are solid, and much heavier than their cousins.  My father's mother, Grandma Bliss was short so I probably got my height from her, but I don't know where the rest of my build came from.  None of the rest of my siblings got the muscular frame I had.  So the gene didn't seem that strong, but two of my sons got my build, and several grandchildren did, so obviously the gene passed on pretty significantly.  So genetics played a part in my build.  I would say 30%

What a doll!

   Look at that baby.  Pretty cute if I do say so myself.  By Christmas though I was really chunky.  My mom must have fed me well.  I do know she nursed me till I was 13 months.  Always sporting the chubby cheeks, pug nose, and those solid legs I didn't look too big.  Healthy but nothing to worry about.

2 1/2 Looked like Shirley Temple

 My mom was a good cook.  She described the difference in a gourmet cook and a good cook to me when I was young.  A gourmet cook can make a beautiful dish with a recipe and all the right ingredients.  A good cook can make something delicious out of whatever is on hand.  We always had a good breakfast, healthy lunch, and well balanced dinner.  Our meals could have been put on a "how to" for the food pyramid.  So my issue with food didn't come from a bad example.  But I think I started being concerned about being fat by the time I was 8 years old.  I did always weigh in heavier than my friends, and I wasn't as active as some of them.  Being such a "girly girl", sometimes called "prissy" I would prefer staying inside playing tea party than outside playing red rover.  I never learned to ride a bike until I was an adult, and I did awful at some of the activities in "gym".  But again I didn't look heavy in my pictures.  In my mind I was though.

7 years old

I remember even at 7 & 8 years old I was worried about being bigger than all my friends.  That was back in the 50's.  It is so much worse for little girls now than it was then. I do think parents and society gave mixed messages.  It was certainly the time the world was concerned about not wasting food.  At times I felt personally responsible for the kids in China.  I didn't quite grasp how eating everything on MY plate would help those kids across the world.  I was just being taught to be grateful.  I did learn to be grateful, and I also learned to clean up my plate and that nothing should go to waste.  When I was older my own kids thought it was ridiculous that they had to drink all their milk, soda, or juice when at a restaurant.  We would often sit longer just to get that job done.

Made that dress and won a blue ribbon at 8 years old 

While my parents were telling me to clear the plate they were also telling me not to each too much.  That translated to me that they saw me as "fat".  Afterall they didn't remind the other kids that they shouldn't have a 2nd donut, or cookie. I found myself eating when I perceived my mom had gone to the effort to cook something because I didn't want her to think it was not appreciated.  I was in Brownies/Girl Scouts and 4H as a child.  I made the dress above and won a blue ribbon.  Not too fat there.  I sewed a lot of my own clothes from 4th to 8th grade.

I was 10 in this picture.  I see a very slender girl here.  You couldn't see my muscular arms or legs though.  I do remember being aware that I was much shorter and heavier than any of my friends.  Probably not a big deal, but it was a big deal to me.  

12 years old

I really think I am quite a young beauty here.  My eyebrows were a little thick, but I think I'm darn cute in this picture.  But I remember when we took a family picture at this time I was not self confident.  I remember thinking I would stand out as a "fatty" in my family pictures.  It's hard to imagine why I went down that road, but I did.  

13 years old

The holiday picture above is probably the last time I was the tallest sibling.  The summer following this holiday we went to California for the first time on vacation.  So many new things and new people.  I remember being terribly concerned about how I didn't match up to young "California" girls.  I remember watching videos after the vacation. We came to one where Lynette, my Dad, and I were running in from the surf to the beach.  While we were watching my Dad said, "Look Leslie, your thighs are bigger than mine".  I absolutely don't believe my parents EVER had the intention of hurting me.  They probably didn't even realize I had a low self esteem because of my weight, but I feel probably by this current posting I have replayed that comment in my head 2,953 times.  It just added to my own concerns.

16 years old

When I was 15 1/2 we moved to California.  It was extremely hard to be taken from my friends in Denver.  My high school years were:  9th grade at Merrill Jr High (cherry red and grey), 10th grade starting at a new school in Denver George Washington High School (Go green & white!). The last of 10th grade I went to Buena Park High School in CA.  11th and 12th grade I was at Sunny Hills High School.  Imagine how difficult it was for a girl who was really a little shy, and was embarrassed to meet new people.  I became even more aware of beautiful people around me and that I didn't measure up.  I remember on my 16th birthday we had lived in CA for 6 months.  We had a small family party and my mom and Dad let me get my hair done special and I wore a semi formal to that party.  I look at the poor picture which I won't post here because it was a poor picture camera wise.  But I remember I had put myself on a pretty restrictive diet {the grapefruit diet where I at grapefruits, hard boiled eggs, and more grapefruit.}  For my birthday dinner I just had a salad and put dressing on it.  I must have had more dressing than salad because I gained 3 pounds that day.  I walked around always feeling embarrassed and fat.  This was in direct opposition to my life because I have always had so many friends, and so many boyfriends.  I got married at 18 but I don't think I ever went to dances {We would go hear the popular bands of the day in this big hall.  You would go single and then dance.)  My friend Pam, reminds s me I danced always.  I couldn't figure that out.  Why would someone be so eager to dance with me?

I felt the same way with dating.  Never without a date on Friday or Saturday nights, many boyfriends telling me I was beautiful, but I couldn't get it. I asked a friend who was first my friend, then my boyfriend, and then a friend again why guys were so interested in me.  He said, you're cute, you're fun, and you've got those sleepy bedroom eyes.  None of my friends, or boyfriends ever saw me as fat, or even fluffy.  But I still saw myself that way.  I would never have french fries or milkshakes like my friends.  Whenever I was out with them I didn't eat because I didn't want to embarrass myself .

Another problem was Twiggy.  Twiggy was the icon of beauty at the time.  I don't know what Twiggy's measurements were but she was 90 pounds and 5'6", more than 6 inches taller than me.

 If Mae West was the icon of beauty I would have had no problem.  She was my height, 5'0", and was known for her large top, tiny waist, and larger bottom.  Just like me.    At 18 when I got married I wore a size 5 dress and was devastated because it showed how huge I was in my mind.  I weighed 108 pounds, and my measurements were 34-19-35. Yes 19 " waist!

But I wasn't in my teens during the time that Mae West, Jayne Mansfield, and Jean Harlow were popular with their womanly bodies.  I was growing up in the time the "boyish" Twiggy and Mia Farrell were the icons.  So I starved myself even more.

In the two pictures above I was 19 years old and married to this amazing guy who thought I was cute from the moment he saw me.  In the top picture with my family the 19' waist was pretty apparent.  But, then I went from embarrassing my parents because I was big to feeling like Bud would be embarrassed because he had a fat wife.  I was constantly dieting by this time.  When I would go to Dr's they would just tell me to eat less.  That was the answer back then.  If you are overweight, eat less.  So I kept eating less and less.  I tried all kinds of diets through the next 10 years while I was having my children and building a home.  My weight was forefront in my mind always.

Leslie at 24 right before Jim was born.

 When I was 24 I had just had Jimmy. I didn't gain weight during my pregnancies because I had morning sickness morning noon and night,.  With Jimmy I gained only 11 pounds, but I could enjoy any food I wanted because I would just throw it up.  It was pregnancy induced bulemia.  Problem was after I had my babies I gained because I was no longer throwing up.  I went to a Dr. daily after he was born to receive a shot of pregnant cows urine and I was on 500 calories a day.  I also exercised daily.  I was on that plan for 3 months but I only lost 5 pounds in the first 2 weeks and never lost any more.  It wasn't working to eat less to get weight off.  Now what?

Well I have done Weight Watchers multiple times and followed the program religiously each time,  And each time I gained weight while everyone else lost.  I have had pills, programs, even had apparatus put on my mouth to keep me from eating anything solid.  With Body Blue Print I gained weight in the first 1 week  "lose quick" plan.  I ate only fish and vegetables the whole time.  I called to receive help and was told for the first time.  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  You are one of those people who gains weight because they don't eat enough"  I was about 55 when I heard that.  What????  I don't eat enough?  All these years putting my every thought and effort into eating less, and now you're telling me I am getting fatter and fatter by not eating enough??

By the time I had heard that, I had gone from 108 at marriage to about 180 by eating less and less and less.  I had had a nervous breakdown about my weight.

A mental breakdown (also known as a nervous breakdown) is an acute, time-limited mental disorder that manifests primarily as severe stress-induced depression, anxiety, or dissociation in a previously functional individual, to the extent that they are no longer able to function on a day-to-day basis until the disorder is resolved. A nervous breakdown is defined by its temporary nature, and often closely tied to psychological burnout, severe overwork, sleep deprivation, and similar stressors, which may combine to temporarily overwhelm an individual with otherwise sound mental functions.

By the time I had heard that, I had gone from 108 at marriage to about 180 by eating less and less and less.  I had had a nervous breakdown about my weight.  I was having out of body experiences.  Described by me as sitting on a shelf watching myself up high in the room { kind of like Samantha in Bewitched) perceiving me going through daily activities while not being really present.  I would be imagining what people were thinking and saying about me. If I would go into the front yard I would imagine every person in every car laughing and mocking me.  It was a dark time.  So many dark times due to my weight, that I didn't fully enjoy my happy life, or my wonderful kids, neighbors, community, even my faith.  I was so wrong to make my outside projection take precedence over who I am inside.

 

There weren't a whole lot of pictures of me during that time.  I took them, but I avoided them.  I also was inactive for years in my church because I wasn't going to go until I lost weight.I didn't put on swimming suits. One year when Bud and I were having a once a year argument I realized we did that every year about the same time as the Ward Beach Party.  Without realizing it I became so tense about being at the beach with friends that I would pick an argument. My weight affected every single thing I did or thought.

 Something had to change.  I had to like me for who I was, fluff and all.  It has been a long quest.  I only wish I could have learned this at a much younger age.  I do like me!  I am not my weight and if I set that qualifier aside I'm not so bad.  When my funeral comes I do not think anyone will get up and describe me by my weight.  It's not that important.

I stopped trying to lose weight.  I don't ever go on diets.  I DO continually try to eat better for my health.  I recognize that I am morbidly obese which means that someday I will die and my weight will have a great deal to do with why.  I went back to Curves too.  But again to strengthen my health not to lose weight.

God created me.  He didn't make junk so to speak badly about myself is mocking Him.  I know my picture is in his wallet.  Maybe in heaven my exterior is the perfect exterior.  It's only in this world that we put "Twiggy's" on pedastels,  I am as good as any skinny little model in my own way.

I can now laugh about being fluffy, just like I can tease about my squinty smiling eyes, or my T-Rex arms.  It's all part of who I am.  God loves me, my family loves me, my friends love me.  They do not care what package I am in and neither do I.

I used to describe that my greatest challenge was my weight, now it's one of my greatest gifts because I had to learn to love me in spite of it.

So my weight problems are a combination of:  genetics, mixed messages from home and in the world, trying to be something I'm not, way way way too much dieting, and self hate.  I love me all 200 pounds of me.  Wish I had learned it back when I was 16.

We are all divine creatures no matter what color skin,. eye shapes, height, weight, strong or weak.  God created us!