Trosper Family 2016

Wednesday, August 31, 2016


Dreams!  So odd how they can affect you in the morning when you wake up even if they are not totally remembered.  The emotion can stay with you, in this case 'me'.     Sometimes the feelings or emotions stay with me throughout the entire day. At times I remember bits and pieces that give me hints why I'm feeling the way I do, and maybe purpose of the dream.  

Today I took from my dream that it was about Bud and I, and so much more than us in the mortal sense.  In the dream experience we were with a lot of people, like on a cruise or some grand vacation.  I was wanting to be kissed, embraced, engulfed by Bud.  He didn't seem to be always anxious but would give in.  Frequently it seemed to be in front of others.  Like I wanted them to be aware that we were a couple.  No, more than that, I wanted them to see that I was in love with him, no matter what.  It was never spoken but I was aware that people around us were curious because they knew that our lives were separated.  I really still wanted people to know that we were not, except in the conventional sense.  It wasn't just for show, it was real, very real.  I just wanted my emotions to be on my sleeve.  I truly felt my heart open up each time he embraced me.  It felt like an outpouring, a release of tension and an embracing of serenity.

Just before I woke up I was swinging.  Every one else in the dream was anxious to move on, and kept calling to me.  I was on a huge swing that took me way up into the clouds, and whooshing back down, then back up to touch the trees. I would look down on everyone with my huge thrusts into the sky and then I was keenly aware of the heavens around me and of all the beauty of the land below.  All the people watched me swing so high, but they were anxious for me to go and begging me to come down.  

I was (and still am) feeling the gratitude, freedom, release, joy, exhilaration and peace from these moments. It couldn't end, if I could help it.  Eventually I slowed down and then I  laid beneath the swing, the sky and the trees with my arms outstretched just taking it all in.  I called to Bud.  I wanted him to embrace this feeling with me.  I wanted him to complete the perfection.  He came reticently.  He stood over me blocking the sun.  His arm was outstretched to pull me up, but I beckoned for him to come into my arms.  He did.  He kissed me.  I felt the weight of his body in my arms.  I wrapped my arms around him and then I woke up.  

When I woke my arms were laying outstretched just as they had been in my dream.  I could still imagine the sky and trees above me.  The feeling of serenity and peace from his embrace and the swing through the skies was still so strong.  I didn't want to move. Laying there in that feeling of complete and utter happiness and unconditional love was the purest description of true bliss.  

Of course I pondered the dream and it's meaning.  When Bud and I married I didn't love him as much as he loved me.  He was a good guy, and I was in love with love.  I was in love with the whole idea of marriage, family, and the idea of love.  Bud loved me completely and utterly.  I can still remember the look of adoration and devotion in his eyes.  Sometimes I felt a little guilty that I didn't feel so strongly.  He treasured me and anyone around us could see that.  He was such an awesome person that I grew to love him with such an abundance of emotion.  I was always so grateful for the person he was.  Looking back I can see that he fought the demons of confusion, fear, shame and dishonesty.  But no one battled harder and succeeded in living a beautiful life full of generosity, fun, and service.  

After I woke up I was so grateful that I learned to love this man so unconditionally that it felt totally perfect in spite of everything.  I want to always keep the feeling of complete , perfect love.  

I pondered about the meaning of his having to be coaxed to show the kind of emotion I was wanting.  That he just seemed to give in to my overwhelming love and need for his embrace.  Then I realized it didn't matter.  His love for me is not nearly as important as my being aware of my total, complete and unconditional love for him.  And it was more than him, it was everything, and everyone.  It was attaining this true pure love in spite of what he felt, or what others feel.  It was about my capability to love in spite of anything or anyone else.  

I love my life, I love Bud, I love the Lord with all my heart and soul. I love the children and grandchildren and posterity our love has created and will continue to grow.  I don't want to die now, but I could.  Because this morning when I woke up I felt that I had fulfilled the purpose and measure of my life by receiving and understanding the gift of pure love.