Woman Live in Transition

Part of my job, in the insurance industry, is to talk to young people when they get their licenses. One of the things I remind them is that while they are really ready to take this step, their Moms probably are not ready with them. But isn't that always true? Are we really ready for what is ahead when our baby takes that first unsteady step? There is a reason you find mommy's standing outside the kindergarten in tears hugging one another for support. I was never ready for taking that next step in growing up even though my kids were.

So many times, we as women, transition into a new life when circumstances require it. My mother was a working woman until she had a couple little munchkins at home so it was better for her to stay home. I don't know if she even thought about "a choice" or not. When my dad traveled for several weeks out of the month on his job, she became a single parent a large amount of time. Then when he wanted to buy a restaurant the stay at home mom became an instant owner/manager. Transitions, not necessarily of her choosing.

I think we don't even realize how flexible we are to bend and twist our lives to the will and requirements of those we love. A friend of mine went from a single woman, to a care giver for her parents without blinking an eye....transitioning without giving a thought to her own needs. After 10 years her mother recently passed away and she now needs to learn to live her own life. Not as easy as it sounds after giving every thought, every moment to her mother's care.

So is it any surprise that when life changes leave us alone to figure out what we want to do ourselves that we are at a loss. This is where I found myself after my kids were grown and on their own. I had many goals in my life, but they were mostly wrapped around my husband and kids, so I rarely gave a thought to myself. There I was with time to spare and no idea what to do with it. Thus, the "empty nest syndrome". We chart our future to include: graduate from school and seminary, go to college to get a bachelors degree and an M R S degree, find a nice return missionary (or convert some unsuspecting soul), get married in the temple, have children, raise them in a beautiful gospel oriented, nicely decorated, happy home filled with love, get them all off to college, and eternal families of their own. Then we pat ourselves on the back and wonder "What now?" Most women don't plan beyond that. We should. Our relationships with our husband, family, and friends need to be nurtured. We need to also stay active in hobbies and interests that are ours alone.

After my kids were all grown I went with a friend to a class at Chaffey College called "Women in Transition". There we found that we were not alone. There were many women questioning "What now?" in the class with us. It has been many years, but one of the things I remember is the teacher asking what we do for ourselves. Most of us replied "Who me? Nothing!"

She encouraged us to write down ways that we would like to be nurtured. She also told us we needed to find a space that we could go to feel peace and relaxation. I immediately went to a florist and set up a plan to come in each week to pick up some fresh flowers for my table at home. Since fresh flowers brighten up my house, they brighten my spirit as well. But that wasn't the main reward, it was that I was important! Important enough to do something for me each week. I was on a budget so I only spent $5.00 on my flowers, but was amazed what delightful bouquets I got for that small price. Somehow taking them out of a florist wrapped in the lovely green floral paper, created just for me, made it even more inviting than picking them up from a local grocery store. I think I need to go to my florist tonight! Just writing about it reminds me of the joy that brought me. I also have always created a wall, usually by my bed, that helps me melt into meditation. Problem is, you have to give yourself that time. I have a cd player right there too, but rarely remember to turn it on. I used to put a little Enya on and drift away into sublime peace.

I was asked a number of years ago who I was and what I enjoyed. My response was that I loved going to soccer games and watching my kids play, or that I loved spending time playing games or going places with my husband, etc. The response was "Now tell me what you like without using your kids, husband, or house in the sentence." Oh my gosh I stuttered and stammered and realized my whole life was wrapped up in them, and that I couldn't think of one thing that didn't include them. It took me a long time of thinking to be able to say that I love writing, spending time with friends, art....oh I love art! Not my own, although I believe some day I would love to paint again. Painting, sculptures-art in museums and in books. They tell such stories. Music is my absolute joy and can bring me up or give me peace with the perfectly chosen artist. I also like decorating for myself and others, spending time in nature (particularly around water), dancing, cruising, traveling....I enjoy the journey as much as the destination. There are so many other things on my list for my transition into retirement.

There are many retired folks who come into my office to pay insurance and love to just sit and talk forever! Now, I know I am a nice person, but still....why would anyone want to sit around an insurance office for an hour? Because they are bored. They need conversation, something to do with their lives. I have friends who say they have trouble getting up in the mornings because they have nothing to do, no goals, no interests, no desires. That would be tough. I am glad I faced this idea of "transitions" a little earlier in my life and have a plan in mind for my semi-retirement now that I am working just three days a week, and for my eventual full retirement.

Transitions usually come into our life unplanned, and we find ourselves unprepared. From the time our babies stand up on their wobbly legs and want to see their little world, when we want to still be cradling them in our arms, to being ready for them to get their drivers licenses and date before we see them as much more than toddlers. We need to be prepared for the transition. We need to set things up for the day that they go to college, marry, and leave our nest. We might need to even think about and get ready for the day we are alone entirely. Because believe me, sometimes those transitions are unexpected as well. Plan ahead to nurture yourself during those unwanted transitions in your life. Cultivate your interests now! It will make those times more tolerable, and maybe even desireable in some ways if you recognize life is full of surprises and curves. While you are taking care of your children, grandchildren, extended family, friends, and your husband.....don't forget you!

....hmmm what shall I write about?

I decided that I needed to write in my blog more often. Not because I have readers, because I don't. But because I have a real desire to write articles, a book, or something, and I need practice.

People have always told me that I have talent in expressing my thoughts. I didn't agree. My writing to me seems very generic. I believe Marque has great talent in putting his thoughts and opinions to word. He has a strong vocabulary that makes things he writes about come alive. Jimmy is really capable of emoting in his writing. Strong sentiments and emotions make his essays and poems passionate. Scott doesn't enjoy writing as much as Jim and Marque, but I know when he was getting his degree he had to do alot of writing. He got all A's so it must have been good. So I would say they have a gift for writing.

My Dad was a good writer too. You could even see his talent when he would sign a birthday card. My mom would always buy the present, get the card, but leave the sentiment to Dad. He wrote me two letters in my life that I cherish. One was when I graduated from High School and the other was the night before I got married. I love taking them out and re-reading them. Holding them in my hands I look at the penmanship...unique, strong, and artistic. Imagining his hand, which I still can picture perfectly, holding the pen doing flourishes just above the paper before setting it down to begin. I can see the little half smile appear as he gets an idea about what to pen. In the letter at my graduation he waxed nostalgic remembering everything that was important all through my life. He recalled friends, boyfriends, events, and tragedies peppering from childhood through this adolescent rite of passage. I was amazed what a full life I had lead, and that it was important to my Dad too. In the letter the night before my wedding when I was 18 years old he wrote a letter expressing love from my Mom and he. I'm absolutely sure he thought I was making a huge mistake taking such a big step at such a young age and he reminded me to "be very sure. When you step up to that altar if you have any doubts..... All your Mom and I want is your happiness." It was replete with emotion, angst, and love. Absolutely beautiful. My mom says I have inherited his gift. I feel my sons have inherited their grandfathers gift as well.

Writing is very important. Journaling can be history, thoughts, emotions, goals, failures, encouraging and discouraging times to be passed on....so can books. The readers are just more numerous and not so prejudiced. They are not just family members but others who might benefit from what is written.

Do I have anything of value to pass on to the general public? Can I express myself well enough to make it interesting, entertaining, and/or beneficial. I have conceded that when I write down what I am feeling at a given time, I can re-read it much later and bring back to mind exactly what the experience was all about. But, I still am not convinced my talent goes any further than that. While I appreciate those friends and family that compliment and encourage me, I do know they are coming from a point of view that isn't exactly objective.

So I just need to write, develop any skills I have, try to find subjects to contemplate on paper, and see how I fair over time. If anyone happens to read this, please send me a subject to write about. I love researching things too. So if it requires research that's okay. Or something that I can philosophize about....I love that too.

I have written a child's book called "An Elf's Christmas Story" that I just need to get published, and don't know how to go about it. My sister, Lynette and I are writing a book about two sisters who are opposite in every way and see their world with a very different perspective. They love each other and being sisters overcomes all differences. It is based on our own childhood experiences. Another book in my head is kind of a self help book called "On a Positive Note..." It will have different chapters on dealing with, and overcoming adversity. Also, I am intending to write a book for the church audience about my life and divorce experience. I think it would be helpful to a specific group of people who may go through similar experiences.

So.....first step.....write. But sometimes to write I need to decide....what shall I write about?

Traditions!

In the Trosper home "tradition" is a big deal. Most of our traditions seem to surround the holidays, but of course there are others as well.

Some things are well thought out and meant to become traditions. For instance: when our kids were young we decided that each year we would get them a Christmas ornament. Even at their birth I could imagine some day they would take all their ornaments with them and have a sentimental start to their own decorations. That was a planned tradition. The unplanned part of that tradition came when Jim seemed to get soldiers or nutcrackers as his ornament a couple years and he decided that is what he wanted each year. Scott got rocking horses. When he was around 18 I asked him if he wanted to change from rocking horses to something else and he said "No, tradition is tradition." Marque never chose or got the same thing every Christmas. His ornament seemed to be something that was simultaneous to his life. An ornament playing soccer when he was in soccer. A missionary with an Elders badge and a suitcase when he went on his mission, etc.

I think sometimes the boys want to hold to the old traditions even harder than I do. Everyone blends two families traditions when they get married...together they decide which stays and which goes. Our family has breakfast casserole after opening presents on Christmas morning and Sarah's family had cinnamon rolls and juice. So they have both at their house. Scott and Cynthia decided to opt for the beautifully decorated tree rather than the "rocking horse" tree. But they put up the manger set I got them and have a well decorated and lighted house like both of their families traditionally had. Jim and Sam have their tree decorated with nutcrackers (Jim), angels (Sam), teddy bears (Hailey), and snowmen (Madyson). Recently when I took a box of decorations out and told the kids they could each take several items from the box I was impressed that they didn't go for the new fancy items, but for the ragged and worn ones tied with traditions that they hold with so much value.

Jim is the guard of the Trosper traditions so it is lucky that he is married to Samantha who is willing to concede and even embrace most of them.

It is very important to me that we have tradition. It makes everything more memorable if it is looked forward to on each occasion. That is so in the world too. Can you imagine if at the end of the wedding no one said "You may kiss the bride". Imagine after their vows the wedded couple just headed back down the aisle without the kiss to seal the deal? We would all feel a little frustrated, unfinished. Tradition gives us something to hang onto, wait for.

But even I am not as serious about keeping the tradition as Jimmy is. Jim is the "Keeper of the Trosper traditions. It is lucky he is married to Samantha who has been willing to concede to most of them. Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without letters to Santa, stockings before gifts, unwrapping each gift one at a time so we can ooo and aaah. Easter wouldn't be Easter without dying eggs the night before, Easter Egg hunts over and over, and ham for Easter dinner. Birthdays have to include smushing someone's face in the cake. Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without letting the dinner get cold while we pass the turkey leg and say what we're thankful for. These are just a few of our traditions at holidays. We have lots of other one's that aren't necessarily for holidays; like, the family game being PIT or Game of 5000, singing my dad's old songs when we travel in the car, games for jobs, or picking up big big gulps especially before road trips (even 15 minute road trips LOL).

Yep Trosper and tradition almost are synonymous. I opted to have prime rib today. What a faux pax. "What?" Jim decried, "We always have ham on Easter." I didn't realize it was a hard and fast tradition....but Jim would. I am really going to enjoy the prime rib this year down in Palm Springs watching conference on tv, but you can be sure I will be checking the tradition guru next time.

I'm grateful that these things are important to my kids. It shows they have happy memories and they want to continue them for their children. I know we (their Dad and I) will never be forgotten as the traditions pass on. Just as my childhood, and my parents will never be forgotten as Bud and I chose to blend some of my traditions with his family traditions when we got married. Then we chose some of our own to add another layer. It's fun to watch the kids add their own traditions to their families too. It's a way of carrying on. Like every culture we really become what our traditions make us.

Thanks kids for embracing what is important to me. Now, more than ever, we need those stable memories to hang onto. I love you all so much!