I don't often feel anger. But, for the past couple of weeks I am very angry, and it's directed at my own body. I am always quick to count the blessings too, so I recognize and appreciate the good things about my body. It's amazing the way my lungs pull oxygen in then push out the carbon dioxide, and how my heart beats in such an amazing fashion flushing the blood through it to my entire body. I am grateful for eyes that see (though less these days), a brain that retains memories (though less these days), arms that embrace, and legs that carry me where I need to go. But that being said it just isn't doing the job it is supposed to do for me.
Last Monday I was laying in bed knowing it was time to get up for work, but instead I just lay there unable to will myself out of bed. As I lay there I felt each muscle as it throbbed it's very own pulse. Massaging my arms I felt knots and bruises everywhere I touched. I found myself singing "The head bone's connected to the neck bone, the neck bone's connected to the shoulder bone". I realized that each muscle, bone and nerve in my body was pulsing to the rhythm of the song and there was an intensity to it throbbing together yet separately. It was no wonder I was so tired.........so extremely exhausted.
In spite of alot of medical issues I "keep on keeping on", except that sometimes, it all hits at once. In Lupus they call that a flare, in fibromyalgia they call it an episode....no matter "it is what it is". There are a few patterns that include my own behavior, other people's choices, and stressful situations that contribute, but one never knows, really. The pain causes exhaustion which causes more pain, etc. It's all very cyclical,
When we were back east this summer my sister, Susan, and I were talking about how grateful we were that her Multiple Sclerosis, and my Lupus weren't as bad as some people dealing with the same issues. Thank you Heavenly Father for that blessing and also for our resilience in the face of those diseases. Susan teaches me how to be patient with suffering, as does my son, who also has an autoimmune disease. I did call attention to the fact that our sister, Lynette, had so much more energy, moved so much better, and was able to take alot of extra steps that we couldn't. Perhaps that's how we could be if we didn't have our diseases.
Recently my family planned a day to the Pumpkin Patch. I was excited to go on this traditional outing with my kids and grandkids, but it came with an awareness that I'm not able to run and do the things I want to do. It came with a price of pain the next day, and the following days. Thank goodness I had already recognized that I couldn't do the Knott's Berry Farm trip with them the next day. That's where the anger comes in....I want my body to function so that I can enjoy all there is to enjoy, so that I can serve all those who need to be served, so that I don't have to look into a crystal ball to see if what I do today will be too hard on my tomorrow's.
I lived for 20 years with back pain. After surgery in 1994 I consider it a miracle that I was one of the lucky one's who was given my life back. I missed so much of my kids lives because of that pain. I felt like I cheated them. Now I feel the same way about missing moments and memories with my grandkids because I am in pain, or if I overdo I will be in pain.
Yep, I am angry with this body. I'm grateful to know that I can feel anger, even if it is with my disfunctioning parts. I'm grateful that in spite of those disfunctioning parts I am still able to function, most of the time. I'm grateful that I have family and friends who understand, remind and forgive me that I can't always do what I want to do.
Well it's 5:30 am so I guess I will try to go back to bed so I can bound out of bed in a couple hours and face another Monday! Yah right....bound out of bed....stupid body!
Last Monday I was laying in bed knowing it was time to get up for work, but instead I just lay there unable to will myself out of bed. As I lay there I felt each muscle as it throbbed it's very own pulse. Massaging my arms I felt knots and bruises everywhere I touched. I found myself singing "The head bone's connected to the neck bone, the neck bone's connected to the shoulder bone". I realized that each muscle, bone and nerve in my body was pulsing to the rhythm of the song and there was an intensity to it throbbing together yet separately. It was no wonder I was so tired.........so extremely exhausted.
In spite of alot of medical issues I "keep on keeping on", except that sometimes, it all hits at once. In Lupus they call that a flare, in fibromyalgia they call it an episode....no matter "it is what it is". There are a few patterns that include my own behavior, other people's choices, and stressful situations that contribute, but one never knows, really. The pain causes exhaustion which causes more pain, etc. It's all very cyclical,
When we were back east this summer my sister, Susan, and I were talking about how grateful we were that her Multiple Sclerosis, and my Lupus weren't as bad as some people dealing with the same issues. Thank you Heavenly Father for that blessing and also for our resilience in the face of those diseases. Susan teaches me how to be patient with suffering, as does my son, who also has an autoimmune disease. I did call attention to the fact that our sister, Lynette, had so much more energy, moved so much better, and was able to take alot of extra steps that we couldn't. Perhaps that's how we could be if we didn't have our diseases.
Recently my family planned a day to the Pumpkin Patch. I was excited to go on this traditional outing with my kids and grandkids, but it came with an awareness that I'm not able to run and do the things I want to do. It came with a price of pain the next day, and the following days. Thank goodness I had already recognized that I couldn't do the Knott's Berry Farm trip with them the next day. That's where the anger comes in....I want my body to function so that I can enjoy all there is to enjoy, so that I can serve all those who need to be served, so that I don't have to look into a crystal ball to see if what I do today will be too hard on my tomorrow's.
I lived for 20 years with back pain. After surgery in 1994 I consider it a miracle that I was one of the lucky one's who was given my life back. I missed so much of my kids lives because of that pain. I felt like I cheated them. Now I feel the same way about missing moments and memories with my grandkids because I am in pain, or if I overdo I will be in pain.
Yep, I am angry with this body. I'm grateful to know that I can feel anger, even if it is with my disfunctioning parts. I'm grateful that in spite of those disfunctioning parts I am still able to function, most of the time. I'm grateful that I have family and friends who understand, remind and forgive me that I can't always do what I want to do.
Well it's 5:30 am so I guess I will try to go back to bed so I can bound out of bed in a couple hours and face another Monday! Yah right....bound out of bed....stupid body!
4 comments:
Sorry you are not feeling well, Mum. I am with you though. I do too much (which sometimes is not a lot) and I pay for it the next day or two. Don't give in to it though except for those occasional days like now. We love you and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well Marque. I hate that we both understand too well what the other one is going through. Stupid auto-immune diseases. Take care of you. I love you so much.
Bummer ... :(
Have you thought about getting a new pair of shoes? That always makes me feel better. Well, except for the breaking in part. Nah, I know that won't help you a whole lot. I wish there was more that I could do for you, but at the same time am extremely grateful I don't have to deal with the pain that you are constantly going thru. I don't think that if I had the same physical ailments that I would be as gracious as you are. You would hear a lot more bitching about it. (Um, I just want to say, Father, please don't test me on this situation please.)
Love you Les, coz I love you more.
Post a Comment